Early morning missive - the tension of being human
I guess my brain figured that since it couldn't go for deep sleep, deep thoughts would do just as well. This is usually the time of night when I wake up (ostensibly because I am thirsty, or need to go to the bathroom, etc.) and end up thinking about what will happen to me when I die.
The whole idea of the state of my soul being fixed FOREVER simply terrifies me. Even the thought of eternal happiness just freaks me out - it's so FOREVER!!! We humans spend all of our lives in a universe of constant change, and when we die we are suddenly thrust into a realm of changelessness. The only way I can cope is to talk to Jesus (I wouldn't want to call what I tell Him prayer, exactly), and say things like, "Well, Lord, I suppose I just have to trust You, huh? But all I'm saying is, You had BETTER be there!!!" Sometimes, when I tell other people about this feeling, they murmur some platitude like "well, you just need more faith. I am conifdent of what will happen after I die." And I think to myself, "That's because you've never REALLY let yourself think about it!!"
I suppose the truth is – if I’m really honest – the reason I get scared is because I know that I have let God down – in so, so many ways. And, yes, I know that He is always willing to forgive, of course - but still... there are those stories in the Gospel about the people who come up to the gate and are told “I never knew you” - and it comes as a complete shock to the person in question. Am I one of those unsuspecting souls?
How many times have I opened my big mouth and said what I shouldn’t have? Or worse yet, how many times have I been silent when I know I should have spoken out? I feel like if I think about these things too much, I’ll go crazy; and yet, I can’t just *not* think about them, because that would be self-defeating as well. It is indeed a narrow path that one must walk – faith is a razor’s edge between presumption and despair. Get too over-confident, and you no longer have “faith,” you have – well, I don’t know what to call it. But St. Paul said something like “if you see something too clearly, how can you call what you have faith?” And then, of course, giving in to the “try not to think about it” attitude isn’t faith, either (or so it seems to me). And anyway, that theory wouldn’t work for me: I’m going to think about these things.
It’s a quandary. And I know that – this side of heaven – I am not going to figure it out. And that frustrates me, especially in my American mindset of “I want it now so why shouldn't I have it now?” But I feel better for having written it down, anyway. Sleep tight! :^)
The whole idea of the state of my soul being fixed FOREVER simply terrifies me. Even the thought of eternal happiness just freaks me out - it's so FOREVER!!! We humans spend all of our lives in a universe of constant change, and when we die we are suddenly thrust into a realm of changelessness. The only way I can cope is to talk to Jesus (I wouldn't want to call what I tell Him prayer, exactly), and say things like, "Well, Lord, I suppose I just have to trust You, huh? But all I'm saying is, You had BETTER be there!!!" Sometimes, when I tell other people about this feeling, they murmur some platitude like "well, you just need more faith. I am conifdent of what will happen after I die." And I think to myself, "That's because you've never REALLY let yourself think about it!!"
I suppose the truth is – if I’m really honest – the reason I get scared is because I know that I have let God down – in so, so many ways. And, yes, I know that He is always willing to forgive, of course - but still... there are those stories in the Gospel about the people who come up to the gate and are told “I never knew you” - and it comes as a complete shock to the person in question. Am I one of those unsuspecting souls?
How many times have I opened my big mouth and said what I shouldn’t have? Or worse yet, how many times have I been silent when I know I should have spoken out? I feel like if I think about these things too much, I’ll go crazy; and yet, I can’t just *not* think about them, because that would be self-defeating as well. It is indeed a narrow path that one must walk – faith is a razor’s edge between presumption and despair. Get too over-confident, and you no longer have “faith,” you have – well, I don’t know what to call it. But St. Paul said something like “if you see something too clearly, how can you call what you have faith?” And then, of course, giving in to the “try not to think about it” attitude isn’t faith, either (or so it seems to me). And anyway, that theory wouldn’t work for me: I’m going to think about these things.
It’s a quandary. And I know that – this side of heaven – I am not going to figure it out. And that frustrates me, especially in my American mindset of “I want it now so why shouldn't I have it now?” But I feel better for having written it down, anyway. Sleep tight! :^)
posted by Kathy Romer | 4:29 AM
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